Just happened to chance upon her blog and read the recent post on TCN's SYF.
shit.
Although I've heard many unpleasant things about her and although I'm sitting in a public area in full view of people, I'm freaking tearing inside. I feel emotion, i feel passion, I feel love of such a deep level that it makes me want to be there. And somehow i'm a little regretful of my batch's attitude towards our CCA, especially towards the last year when everything just didn't really go as well.
But damn it, her post just makes me want to cry and go back to theatre.
It's what theatre truly is, the very essence and spirit that drives every cast member, every crew member, every ensemble member, every person involved into heartfelt passion for the play. It's searching into the very core of yourself and extracting what you are supposed to portray, it's not only the feeling of having the spotlight hit you, but also the excitement of hiding behind the curtains, the anxious fingers on lights and sounds buttons, the connectedness that ties every single member together. To do that, everyone has to be involved from the very start, to go through the past few months building a play from scratch, to analyse the script until its rotten and disintegrated, to fully immerse yourself in a journey that is not just acting, but one that touches your soul from the workrooms, to brainstorming sessions, rehearsals, backstage, and then the empty space on stage. It's not easy to achieve that amidst busy schedule, and for that I truly respect and applaud my juniors. I am so, so envious of their tightness and bond in TCN, and i just wished we had more of that during our time.
I think I have tried to stress this so many time to close friends, but people undermine the unity and connectedness that theatre requires, not just the cast itself, but the entire crew. Don't ever undermine the person who brings out the chairs for you, or the one who hands you your prop. In theatre, I remember we used to rehearse scene changes till they were perfect. And by perfect, I mean exactly within the allotted time, like 3-5 seconds, with absolutely no sound and perfectly within the marked spaces. It's not just letting it pass, you have to give the crew enough respect and allow them to do their jobs to the very best they can. It is also never about just the acting. It is about the very essence of the play, which I think TCN spends an abundant amount of time on, fully breaking down the play and extracting its meaning and inspiration, then sharing it to the club as it brainstorms on creative and rich portrayals, as a whole team of cast and crew, with the leadership of the director.
And so what if the audience may not fully appreciate your art? Theatre is about art, not entertainment. And I'll never forget what NN said, that a good play is one that receives both applause and criticism. It is one that provokes people to think, not just to sit back, relax, and enjoy. It is to expound on a certain theme or idea that translates into magic on stage. A play that only garners praises is never a truly good play.
I'm so happy that TCN has reached this stage, truly. And I chide myself (and my batch) for not frequently going back. I feel they have a strong bond of friendship and connection that we never had, a unity that could propel them forward to expand and grow. I know I had my reservations about NN, and despite the fact that he likes to stick to his typical ways, at least he knows what theatre really should be.
And sometimes i question LD's take on drama. Yes, I understand it's nature is not as "artsy" or "theatrical" as TCN, but to segmentalize the team and to concentrate on only the chosen few sacrifices the essence of putting up a play. Even then, there's no discipline, there's no urgency, there's no anxiety and excitement felt by the whole team. When people say "let us all do this!", it really means only the few of them. There is no team. I come in to do my job, and then I go. I've lost the bubbling enthusiasm of just bringing out a prop because it is "our show", because it is not my show. There is no inclusiveness.
In theatre, whether or not I was cast or crew or publicity, I had watched the whole play unfold before my eyes. I had seen the improv sessions, the brainstorming sessions, the scripting sessions, the blocking, the rehearsing, the compounding stress, the tears, the sweat, the laughter, the nervousness. And when I finally watched it all put together on stage, then it becomes true magic. It becomes the sweet fruit of our labour.
I'll keep going back to TCN, whether or not I am physically there, I'll keep going back to it, because it possesses something that I can never find here. And I want to go back to a place where I can relish in a pure strive and love for theatre.
I really, really want an alumni play now. I want to experience that at least one more time. And so what if i'm not naturally talented? Let me tell you, my juniors are not the most outrageous, sociable, charismatic beings out there, but they are inspiring in every aspect, dedicated to what they do, and have grasped the core of what it means to be in theatre. And for that, I'll give up empty talent and glamour.
I'm not putting down LD, and I have full respect and admiration for people who are naturally good at what they do. But I can't help but be sucked into the love and connectedness that my juniors have. They possess something that even the best of us should attempt to emulate and work towards, because then will be when a team really comes together and strive with a unified passion to create and present a good play.
I wish TCN all the best for their upcoming production, and I wish them continuity of this love and passion that will uphold them and keep them connected to the spirit of theatre.
SO going to watch thousand cranes in july. I'm going back to reclaim all my lost love.