Obscurity

I think young people have too much to do, and old people just have nothing to do. It's an allocative inefficiency. And while we cram our heads off, and the retired rot at home (or do the occasional taichi/community work), we are still people who do not contribute to the economy. 

I think it's because we are INPUTTING so much information it offsets the output that the labour force is producing. 

I need to stop punning. I do it too often. Wit has become tiresome. 

The aftertaste of Cappuccino is gross. The air in my mouth tastes foul. 

My gosh my life is so boring it's pathetic. But for struggling, poor JC kids like us, it takes genius to be able to lead some kind of normal, outgoing life. Unfortunately, even the geniuses are studying so I guess that leaves me no space to even relax. 

I realise I love to wallow in self-pity whenever I have the chance to. It's really bad. I think I was complaining too much about the team setup today. Head wasn't in the game, that's why it got messed up. 

School's a drag. Studying's a drag... BAHHHHHH even writing this is a drag. 

The end of the tunnel doesn't have to be something glorious. It just needs a nice comfy bed and warm light. But for all this shit I'm doing, it'd better be a seven-star hotel suite with a jacuzzi and spa to calm all my wrought nerves. I also demand a masseuse. I also want all the clothes in the world and a personal acoustic band.

Too bad life is materialistic. 

The lights in Starbucks have gone off. The music is dead. Damn.
This is such a weird post I guess it's 11 that's why. 
I don't make sense anymore :'(

1000 was good. It was NN all over the place, but, it was good. I haven't enjoyed physical post-modern theatre in a while. 
I'll say that their publicity was somewhat unappealing, though. But the point is, in TCN, I explored deeper issues in secondary school than I ever did in JC. Isn't that what art is supposed to be? 

1000 was innocent but dark, children in white juxtaposed with the "black charcoaled bodies". 
1000 was visually great. Two stages to the left and right, a platform in the middle, lights hidden in the four corners. It was all around us. 
1000 was nostalgic of the atomic bomb, a remembrance of recent disasters. 
1000 conveyed a message. Or at least, it presented an underlying theme and emotion throughout. 
1000 (or any similar plays) is not for boorish, uncouth people who just come to have a laugh, or to enjoy a "story" (see typical HC audience)

If I could fold 1000 cranes to experience this kind of theatre again for myself, I would. 
Except that, 1000 was unique and belonged to TCN'11. 

You know, my batch may not like certain people in TCN, but that doesn't take away the spirit of TCN itself. I was a little sad that very few people came back, and even if they did, they came to watch the show for themselves. I watch my seniors come back to reconnect every year, and it's extremely sad how we are just so nonchalant about it. 

Oh well. At least I can say that the whole of TCN set up all the lights, the props, the set, basically all the manual labour was done by cast and crew. They were not superstars. They were just advocates of their art. 

-.- I want to go home. I dread taking the bus home. I want to watch Chuck and sleep. 

I should be contented sitting on the title of
A jack of all trades,
While masters above enslave me under
wittier and smoother verses.

I'll carve for myself a throne of wood,
Designs of common conception
Catching flakes of gold that occasionally rain
Down on my inspiration.

Perhaps I'll make lowly states
Spanning the diameter of my pen,
Where I'll govern
With ink that dries to nothing.

I'll look upon them with simple complacency.
Everything I have crafted belongs to me.

As I secretly covet the sun's burning beam
Eating from the window of a stale dungeon
Obscured for eternity. 

 Just happened to chance upon her blog and read the recent post on TCN's SYF. 

shit.

Although I've heard many unpleasant things about her and although I'm sitting in a public area in full view of people, I'm freaking tearing inside. I feel emotion, i feel passion, I feel love of such a deep level that it makes me want to be there. And somehow i'm a little regretful of my batch's attitude towards our CCA, especially towards the last year when everything just didn't really go as well. 

But damn it, her post just makes me want to cry and go back to theatre.

It's what theatre truly is, the very essence and spirit that drives every cast member, every crew member, every ensemble member, every person involved into heartfelt passion for the play. It's searching into the very core of yourself and extracting what you are supposed to portray, it's not only the feeling of having the spotlight hit you, but also the excitement of hiding behind the curtains, the anxious fingers on lights and sounds buttons, the connectedness that ties every single member together. To do that, everyone has to be involved from the very start, to go through the past few months building a play from scratch, to analyse the script until its rotten and disintegrated, to fully immerse yourself in a journey that is not just acting, but one that touches your soul from the workrooms, to brainstorming sessions, rehearsals, backstage, and then the empty space on stage. It's not easy to achieve that amidst busy schedule, and for that I truly respect and applaud my juniors. I am so, so envious of their tightness and bond in TCN, and i just wished we had more of that during our time. 

I think I have tried to stress this so many time to close friends, but people undermine the unity and connectedness that theatre requires, not just the cast itself, but the entire crew. Don't ever undermine the person who brings out the chairs for you, or the one who hands you your prop. In theatre, I remember we used to rehearse scene changes till they were perfect. And by perfect, I mean exactly within the allotted time, like 3-5 seconds, with absolutely no sound and perfectly within the marked spaces. It's not just letting it pass, you have to give the crew enough respect and allow them to do their jobs to the very best they can. It is also never about just the acting. It is about the very essence of the play, which I think TCN spends an abundant amount of time on, fully breaking down the play and extracting its meaning and inspiration, then sharing it to the club as it brainstorms on creative and rich portrayals, as a whole team of cast and crew, with the leadership of the director. 

And so what if the audience may not fully appreciate your art? Theatre is about art, not entertainment. And I'll never forget what NN said, that a good play is one that receives both applause and criticism. It is one that provokes people to think, not just to sit back, relax, and enjoy. It is to expound on a certain theme or idea that translates into magic on stage. A play that only garners praises is never a truly good play. 

I'm so happy that TCN has reached this stage, truly. And I chide myself (and my batch) for not frequently going back. I feel they have a strong bond of friendship and connection that we never had, a unity that could propel them forward to expand and grow. I know I had my reservations about NN, and despite the fact that he likes to stick to his typical ways, at least he knows what theatre really should be. 

And sometimes i question LD's take on drama. Yes, I understand it's nature is not as "artsy" or "theatrical" as TCN, but to segmentalize the team and to concentrate on only the chosen few sacrifices the essence of putting up a play. Even then, there's no discipline, there's no urgency, there's no anxiety and excitement felt by the whole team. When people say "let us all do this!", it really means only the few of them. There is no team. I come in to do my job, and then I go. I've lost the bubbling enthusiasm of just bringing out a prop because it is "our show", because it is not my show. There is no inclusiveness. 

In theatre, whether or not I was cast or crew or publicity, I had watched the whole play unfold before my eyes. I had seen the improv sessions, the brainstorming sessions, the scripting sessions, the blocking, the rehearsing, the compounding stress, the tears, the sweat, the laughter, the nervousness. And when I finally watched it all put together on stage, then it becomes true magic. It becomes the sweet fruit of our labour. 

I'll keep going back to TCN, whether or not I am physically there, I'll keep going back to it, because it possesses something that I can never find here. And I want to go back to a place where I can relish in a pure strive and love for theatre. 

I really, really want an alumni play now. I want to experience that at least one more time. And so what if i'm not naturally talented? Let me tell you, my juniors are not the most outrageous, sociable, charismatic beings out there, but they are inspiring in every aspect, dedicated to what they do, and have grasped the core of what it means to be in theatre. And for that, I'll give up empty talent and glamour. 

I'm not putting down LD, and I have full respect and admiration for people who are naturally good at what they do. But I can't help but be sucked into the love and connectedness that my juniors have. They possess something that even the best of us should attempt to emulate and work towards, because then will be when a team really comes together and strive with a unified passion to create and present a good play.

I wish TCN all the best for their upcoming production, and I wish them continuity of this love and passion that will uphold them and keep them connected to the spirit of theatre. 

SO going to watch thousand cranes in july. I'm going back to reclaim all my lost love. 

How black have our lives become such that one more spot does nothing more?
If we could see the stark contrast of black on white, crimson in snow, we would be truly fearful of that deep stain that sinks densely into clogged pores. 

That's sin for us. And we have become so oblivious to it. 

"Everyone wears black these days, it's like the whole world's in mourning." 

 Praying for healing, cleansing of the physical, emotional, mental, spiritual blemishes. 

We all need to be given our little spots of warm, orange light sometimes--rough around the edges, slightly dimmed, gently cupping the arches of our features. 

At that point we see no one but that translucent film of ray that thinly covers our vision, and we are alone on the wooden floors, indulging in the moment of soft heat and faint music. 

The world looks at us with its judging eye, but at this point, we are only performing for ourselves. 

I am so over it, period. 

There are so many more important things to do. 

things always come when you least expect them.

and yes, sometimes it's really kind of a weird feeling to have.

but other times, it actually feels pretty damn good.


As the last week of school approaches i am thinking of, of course, how fast time zooms past you like you never even knew it, and also how the course of things can twist and turn. I'm slow to adapt to change, honestly, i bet it's part of my own weird personality, but i like how things can fall in place nicely (often i see) without actually trying too hard. It's nice i guess. HE is always working, and many things prove it.

So i'm going in confident. Watch how things around me go, go with the flow, and maybe unexpectedly find other things to delight in.

But of course, the course of things can always wind around to hit you in the back. You'll never know. I'll never know.

 Haven't posted in a while... March holidays are here in a flash. It's pretty fast, i mean school has only started for a month. Oh well, i do predict my holidays are going to be useless, lazing around at home, getting fat. ugh gotta find something to do.

I'm just glad i cleared a load of homework last week. (: 

I went into JC thinking that GP would be fairly easy... like it's just English right, and current affairs. And NO stupid GP lessons are on crazy democracy which is super hard to follow cos everyone is just saying intelligent things with a whole lot of jargon. Sheesh i need to go and read up and expand my knowledge here. There's just a pressure when you see everyone around you being so on. Especially high school people. It's scary, cos NY girls are now like the super laid back people while the others mug and get the marks. 

But anyway, whatever. Happy with my econs test marks at least. (: Got to thank Aaron and Heather for the book. I still think my concept's not that strong... It's Assous i tell you! I did badly at all the subjects he taught!

Bored out of my freaking mind. I got to stop playing wrong notes for worship! Horrible! I can never master a perfect piece... 

Going to play and work during the hols. Alice in Wonderland, buffet, class chalet. And do GP presentation, catch up with work (math! history extracts...) WELL. Where's my starbucks buddy! 

Remember the holy spirit. It is your Counselor and guidance in life. Trust in God in all the little things and choices you make everyday. And most importantly, my dear me, DO QT! 

Stoning in the national library... I finished history essay! YES. Okay maybe my conclusion was quite crappy but at least i did it! Five pages! Who cares if people wrote 7 or 10 pages, i am happy that i can finally wash my hands of it. For now.

RIGHT. As the term comes to an end i only have a few things left to do. And i'm praying they don't give us too much homework for the holidays! Oh well, i really hope that i can keep up and do well for tests and exams. After math i'm admittedly a bit scared. This is what you get being in a place where everyone has less than 1.5 msg.

Okay. dilemma now. Should i go for OG lunch? or go with classmates? Haven't seen my OG in a while though. And i have class tonight, so since i am kind of done with history and GP, i just need to go study econs which really can be studied anywhere. NLB doesn't allow me to take my notes in so currently i don't really know what to do except tweak my essays and er, do this.

Sometimes, i do think i need social therapy. Because someone here is not your common social butterfly.

STAY HAPPY. Because when everything rushes around you, God alone is timelss.

Yongzhi is being retarded, AGAIN.